Dear Los Angeles,
I love you so much, and I’m so grateful for all the gifts you’ve given me…but it’s time for me to move on.
It’s no exaggeration to say you’ve made me who I am. Over the past seven years, you’ve forced me to grow in ways I never imagined possible. Because of you, I’ve developed an indestructibly strong sense of self. I learned how to set boundaries with how others treat me, and how I treat myself.
I’m so grateful for the stories I’ll be able to tell my kids one day of all the “glamorous” things I did while I lived in Hollywood. The parties in The Hills, the auditions on famous studio lots, the secret concerts, the red carpets, the fancy cocktails on rooftops overlooking the ocean, the movie premieres, the exclusive guest lists, the celebrity run-ins at the supermarket…I admit, it all sounds so very shallow, but I also have to admit it was so VERY fun.
You allowed me to experience something that so few people get to, which is: I got to live my dream. I was blessed enough to work on film and tv projects that I was deeply proud of, and that millions of people saw that will live on forever. I worked with the most talented people on the biggest stage there is and I still pinch myself when I recall the memories.
You also brought me a lot of pain. (What I wouldn’t give for my money back for all those parking tickets!). You held a mirror up to show me what I didn’t want…which I think might be the most important lesson of all.
You brought me people who didn’t respect my body, my heart, my brain.
You brought me an endless barrage of “not-enough-ness”.
You brought me betrayal and heartbreak and ruthless rejection.
You brought me more “maybe’s” that went nowhere than should ever be allowed.
You brought me fears the likes of which I hope I never experience ever again.
You brought me gray hairs and traffic and expensive face serums…
But you also brought me joy.
You brought me an irreplaceable sense of pride that I “made it” here.
You brought me deep friendships I cherish that will no doubt last a lifetime.
You brought me belly laughs and happy tears.
You brought me experiences that showed me my true character.
You brought me so many unbelievable once-in-a-lifetime special experiences it dizzies me to think of them all…
It’s been hard for me to admit this, especially after such a rich history full of so many blessings, but I’ve reached a point where I know we don’t belong together.
It was hard to separate my feelings of knowing it was time to leave with feeling like I’d “failed”. I’m deeply grateful for the realization that I’m leaving not because I couldn’t hack it…but because I could. I easily could have stayed and kept going down the same path. I could have stayed comfortable with the devil I know. I could have, but I won’t because other things are more important to me than being on television. And I don’t regret that decision.
I leave you with a heart full of nothing but gratitude. It’s you and it’s me. We’re just not right for each other any more…and that’s okay.
We’re been through too much together to stop being friends. And once the dust has settled, I’m actually quite looking forward to seeing you again. I already have a visit or two planned, I hope that’s okay.
Don’t worry, I’ll still follow you on Instagram.